Your New Year's Resolutions
Originally written for eVent! magazine [ep] on December 6th, 2005.
Christmas is over and it’s time now to start planning your New Year’s Resolutions. New Year’s Resolutions are promises we make to ourselves that we for some reason assume we’ll keep because we make them before, during or after drinking more than we do at any other point of the year. Why we expect to keep to commitments made while on a bender I’m not sure, but that’s what we do.
With a little Google aided research I’ve been able to find the top ten New Year’s Resolutions that are made year in and year out. Compare these to your own list and see how normal you are.
1. Get a better job.
2. Get into shape / loose weight
3. Spend less or pay down debt
4. Give up a habit (smoking, drinking, etc.)
5. Get a better education
6. Find a mate and not in the nautical sense
7. Take a trip
8. Be more organized
9. Find a hobby
10. Buy a house or move
Now you might remix this list a little bit, deciding that instead of stopping your drinking you’ll actually increase you input of spirits in hopes of snagging a mate while staggering home from on of Kelowna’s many downtown nightclubs. You might decide that taking a trip is more important than paying off your credit card Christmas debt. There may even be something that you’re promising yourself that nobody else thinks of.
My own list has some of the classic commitments on it. I need to finally break my long single spell and find myself a number seven… er mate girlfriend to be specific. I certainly could stand to be in better shape, and shed a few eggnog-induced pounds, which in turn might help me with my first resolution. So now here are my own ten New Year’s promises, check back in a year to see how many I need to make again.
1. Find a girlfriend
2. Stop encouraging hobo fights
3. Finally finish training ducks to deliver packages for Purolator
4. Get into better shape
5. Deliver a PowerPoint presentation that moves my audience to tears
6. Pull off the perfect bank heist, and get away
7. Vote in a federal election for a winning candidate
8. End vegetarianism in our world
9. Convince the girlfriend I found in resolution one to stay with me
10. Be in Coldplay
Okay so number ten is sort of one of those one in a million sorts of resolutions, like winning the lottery or making love to a beautiful woman, but my theory is that if you don’t aim for the stars then you’ll never get to the moon. And while it would have made sense to make one of my earlier resolutions be about learning how to play a guitar or sing but that is ignoring the magic of the New Year’s Resolution since I’m not going to actually accomplish any of them I don’t need them to follow any sort of logical path.
If after reading my own list and the list of the world’s most popular New Year’s Resolutions in the world you’re still stuck for ideas then why not resolve a few things for me. Here are a few items you could help me out with. Feel free to adopt these into your own lists.
1) Help Jeffery Simpson find a girlfriend
2) Cry at the next PowerPoint presentation Jeffery Simpson delivers
3) Eat more meat and less vegetables
4) Ignore the fact that Jeffery Simpson isn’t in better shape
5) Ignore Jeffery Simpson if he’s running around in a ski mask trying to hold up an ATM machine at gun point
It’s only five things, and you know you did say you needed a hobby back in resolution number 9 so this might as well be it. It beats knitting.