The summer movies

Originally written for eVent! [ep] magazine on 05/25/06.

Dear Readers 'tis the season when the leaves are on the trees, the sun is in the sky, the tourists are on the roads and the summer movies are in the theatres. That's right it's summer and with summer comes, as mentioned, summer movies the cinema equivalent of junk food ready to open a big ol' cavity in your mind as it pours sugary sweet entertainment directly into your brain through your eyeballs.

So what movies will you be using as an excuse to sit in an air-conditioned multiplex this summer? Well it's a good thing you decided to read this column today if that's the burning question on your mind, because it's also exactly what we're going to talk about. So cut this out, put it on your fridge. Heck get extra copies and put them on the fridges of your friends as well, because here is your not-so-definitive guide to the summer movies of 2006.

The Da Vinci Code

Starring: Tom Hanks, Gandalf

Tom Hanks stars as a boy who after using a creepy ol' fortune telling machine at a carnival wakes up to find that he's a man with bad hair whose trapped in a complex plot designed to insult everyone who believes in Jesus. Luckily for Hanks Gandalf is there to help him out just like he helped out Frodo.

Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties

Starring: the voice of Bill Murray as Garfield and a few C-List actors

Garfield, the fat cat from the comic strips, arrives on the big screen yet again to further prove the point that with the right merchandising campaign you don't need to be funny to have your own comedy movies. The worst thing Bill Murray has been involved with in years sees Garfield heading to England where he gets mistaken for a prince, while the real prince gets mistaken for Garfield. Wait the prince of England is an orange cat? I don't know, my advice is if you have to take your kids to this one get loaded on cold medicine beforehand so you can pass out right after the preiviews.

Ocean's 13

Brad Pitt, George Clooney, everyone else in Hollywood

Realizing that the complex ideas of suave men robbing things was not fully explored in either Ocean's 11 or Ocean's 12, George Clooney is getting the gang back together to rob something else, like a Dairy Queen or maybe some kid's newspaper route. Expect a slick well made movie that could have been written by drunk monkeys with a big George Clooney man crush.

Nacho Libre

Jack Black

The idea of Jack Black acting like a complete idiot is appealing, since that is his thing, however the previews all make this film look like the sort of self-satisfied comedic mess that is purposefully quirky and alternative in the same way that Fruitopia (made by the Coca-a-Cola corporation) is purposefully quirky and alternative. If the idea of a bull running into Jack Black's butt and shooting him up into the sky makes you giggle then this movie is for you.

Snakes on a Plane

Samuel L. Jackson, snakes on a plane

That's right it's snakes on a plane. Get that concept through your heads and then strap on for what is sure to be the cheesiest movie ever made. At some point during development everyone involved in the movie realized it was horrible and complete trash and so they set out to make the worst movie possible hoping to sell it as the worst movie possible. With a very clear concept, there are snakes on a plane, the film promises to make as much sense as this play I wrote in high school that explored the concept of reality. What, yeah sorry I have to admit I was a pretentious dinkwallet.

X-Men: The Last Stand

The X-Men... duh, Gandalf

Excuse me while I hyperventilate, but it's the X-Men in a movie how can this not be the best film of the summer? Shush, I will hear none of your cynicism that says the best thing about the first two X-Men movies was director Bryan Singer who left to go do that Superman movie, and that it's going to jump the shark without him. What terrible script? La la la la la... I'm not listening. Kitty Pryde, otherwise known as Shadowcat is in it. As soon as it's legal to marry fictional characters Kitty Pryde and me are heading to Las Vegas for a wedding and blackjack.

Superman Returns

Superman, Kevin Spacey

Superman returns to earth to face his greatest threat yet, the guy from American Beauty. Wait didn't the guy from American Beauty die at the end of that movie? Who cares, there's a lot of dead people in this movie including Marlon Brando whose played Superman's father back before he got heavy enough to have his own gravity. While you might worry that the movie can not possibly be as good as that one where Superman threw all the world's nuclear weapons into the sun only to create some kind of nuclear powered bad guy, I assure you it very easily can.