Originally written for eVent! magazine [ep] on November 10th, 2005.
I have taken the bold step of deciding my idea of winning the lotto as my ticket to fame and fortune is probably never going to happen. I might pick up a ten-dollar win here or there but I think those sort of lotto wins are not going to rocket me to the sort of fame that I feel I deserve. So instead I’ve decided to start developing television properties. That’s right, I’m becoming a television producer. Here are just a few of the projects that I’ve got lined up.
CSI: Kelowna – Right now I’m in the process of lining up a B or C list actor to headline this project, since really the ratings are already guaranteed by the CSI brand name. I could cast a dancing monkey and win the ratings for its time slot. In fact since dancing monkeys can work for peanuts and bananas that might be the way to go.
Aside from casting I just need to work out which Who song I’m going to use for the opening credits. I’m thinking “Boris the Spider” and tying that into the show by having the main character’s name be Boris and be an ex-K.G.B. investigator. As I type this a team of high priced MTV directors are editing together fast paced clips of Kelowna scenery shot from helicopters.
Survivor Canadian Parliament - Instead of holding an election this year I’m pitching that we do democracy a little different this time around. All four major Canadian political parties will start with an equal number of team members and we strand them on an island in the middle of nowhere, perhaps the artic circle. After a few months of watching them compete in meaningless challenges every week on television the Canadian public will do an online vote to decide whether or not we let them off the island.
Meanwhile the dancing monkeys who haven’t been cast in my CSI will run the nation: Kelowna show.
Terror, Death, Murder and Disease: Your New Nightly News – The problem with the nightly news is that it’s not sensational enough. I’m bringing the American method of reporting up to the Great White North. If a newscast doesn’t convince you only have a week to left before you die in some amazingly terrible way then it’s not doing its job right.
The Fire Show – Around the holidays people sit with their family and watch the log on fire show, footage of a log burning in a fireplace on Shaw. The question is why can’t we enjoy the sight of fire all year long? And why does it just have to be a log in a fireplace? I think an hour a night of random things on fire, such as cars, airplanes, buildings and pirates, would be a major hit.
Men Getting Hit In The Groin Hour - Why wade through videos of people’s cute kids saying funny things on America’s Funnies Homevideos when you can just jump right to the money shots, twenty-two minutes of men being hit in the family jewels. This could be a run away hit with the feminists.
Vehicle For Chubby Canadian Comedian – Whether it’s the short-lived Mike Bullard Show or Brett Butt’s Corner Gas chubby Canadian Comedians are always good to help meet Canadian Content regulations. We’re still working out the show’s format, but if we’ve got any dancing monkeys or pirates left over from our other projects we’ll be using them here.
X-Treme Hockey: The NHL might be back but Canadians still cannot get enough hockey, which is why this country is ready for an Extreme Hockey League. Based on the model for the XFL, because that was such a success, I plan to take the rules out of hockey, award a goal for every fight that a team wins (two if its between goalies) and add sexy cheerleaders. Good news, Kelowna is set to get one of the first francises.
The Google Show – Google is huge, it’s the next Microsoft and with the Google Show we’ll just have them advertise, which means the quality of the programming on this project doesn’t matter. However I think you’ll like this one, we’re going to have two sexy co-eds surfing the internet or “Googling” words such as “bra” and “spanking”. If we air The Google Show after nine at night we can turn off Google’s Safe Search feature which will make for some compelling television.
23 – We’ve all seen anti-terrorism agent Jack Bauer save the world, or at least America, from nefarious no-goodnicks in 24 hours but in Canada we know that taking a full day to save the world is for wimps. The show will crank up the tension by having the protagonist have to save the day in an hour less time and save money because we can film one less episode. And that in the business is what we call a double threat.
So go out and grab your television listings and stay tune for some excellent programming. Please write to Shaw Cable and CHBC right now and request, nay demand, these quality programs so you don’t have to hear about them from your cousins with the illegal satellite dish.