* This is the second article in my first series of Soapboxes about dating. The it picks up exactly where the first one left off, as though I had been smart enough to write the whole thing at once. There are some spelling mistakes that I've left in, to preserve the authenticity of the piece or to save time.
There are also a few cultural references that might not play as well now as they did in 1998 when this was first written. For example a deep spiritual love of Sarah McLachlan was actually required by law for anyone with ovaries. Anyone hoping to make out with anyone with ovaries had to at least fake a deep spiritual love of Sarah and her music. Trent Reznor was like Sarah McLachlan except his music was for guys who never got laid and hated God. Big Johnson t-shirts were essentially t-shirts with cartoons depicting men holding phallic looking objects while big breasted cartoon women swooned for them. They typically would be accompanied by a pun, like say the cartoon man was holding a surf board the pun would be "Surf Harder with your Big Johnson". Yup, the '90s were a classy time.
Last issue saw our intrepid columnist giving date advice. Jeff giving date advice? What's next, Fidel Castro teaching a course on free market economics? Trent Reznor becoming a spokesperson for the Christian Coalition? Tre Parker and Matt Stone writing a self-help book on table manners? Is this the beginning of the end for western civilisation? Stay tuned to find out...
That's the last time I am introduced by a voice over. Unless its God. A voice over from God would be sweet. But barring that I promise you, my faithful reader, never again will I be introduced by a man named Sid whose one redeeming quality is that he is not his brother.
Aside from that where was I? Oh yes; as Sid's voice over so poorly introduced this is part two of my multi-part guide to dating. My qualifications are that I have none and so am uniquely suited to give dating advice since I have never been on a date myself. At least what one would classify as a date. I would call them failures, epiphonic moments of humiliation or perhaps (if I was in a good mood) spaces in time which give people cause to assume that I will end up in an airport wearing a bed sheet and giving flowers to people bound for Meech Lake.
Now that we have my qualifications over with, once again we go on to our dating advice. Hopefully by now with my help last week we were able to secure a first date with the object of our affection for ourselves. (When I say "we" I actually mean everyone but me. Let's at least be semi-realistic here). Now that you have begged, borrowed or stolen a first date the next step is ___________ (put you guess for what the next step is in the blank). For those of you who wrote sex in the blank I think you are missing the point. Obviously the next step is to go out on the date.
Now there are several things you should and should not do on the first date. Below is a chart to help you sort out what a few basic things.
- Wear clothes
- Wear your mother's clothes
- Wear a "Big Johnson" shirt
Okay now that you have that straight, you are on your way. First pick her up in your fancy sports car. What, you say you don't have a fancy sports car? Steal one, frankly girls expect at least that much courtesy from you. The young man who does not show up for a first date in a stolen Porsche wearing a suit that he swiped from a funeral home is certainly not going to get a second one.
Now that we (or you at any rate) are cruising through town in your stolen sports car, with your stolen suit and your date in the passenger's seat (hint even if the car has a back seat have her sit in the front while you are driving) you are going to need a place to go. Now at first glance McDonald's might seem like a good idea. It is reasonably priced, offers a wide range of fine food and for added romance you can sit beside a fibreglass statue of Mayor McCheese. Here is probably the best piece of advice I can ever give you. Do not take your date to McDonald's on the first date.
See girls want to go to a place with a name like Chez Louis or Chef's Table or at least an upscale place like the mall food court. Do not even try passing McDonald's off as traditional Scottish cuisine "Come on its McDonald's isn't it?" Just face it, you are going to have to pay for a expensive meal. Most likely you will have to start selling drugs to finance this but trust me at the end of the date when she looks deep into your eyes and tells you that she doesn't want to be seen with you again, its worth every cent. It goes without saying that as the male you will be paying for the meal. (I am not even going to contemplate homosexual couples because figuring out who pays for what in a male/male or female/female relationship would take a degree in metaphysics). If your date says something along the lines of "Don't worry I'll get my own meal." she actually means, "I don't want to feel obligated to you in anyway so I think it will be best for me to retain my financial autonomy." This of course is bad. Worse yet, is when she says, "Let me pay for you." which can be translated to mean, "I have mace in my bag."
During the meal you will of course have to talk with your date. "What? Talk to her? I only asked her out because she had..." Okay I'm stopping you right there. First off never say you only asked her out because of physical attractiveness. Now if you did only ask her out because of some physical characteristic you are in a bit of trouble at this point. Unlike the fellows who date girls based on things like personality, interests or a variety of other things you have the job of finding interesting things to talk about so it is not revealed that your are a shallow human being.
Good Conversation Openers
- Tell me about your family.
- Who is your favourite member of Lilith Fair?
- How are your classes going?
- Don't you think that Virginia Woolfe is great?
- What is your major?
- Wear did you get that interesting ring?
Bad Conversation Openers
- Tell me, what's your name?
- Who is your favourite Fascist Dictator?
- Are those real or silicone?
- Did you see that hockey fight last night on TV?
- I'm only interested in you for sex, is that okay? You'd make a good prostitute.
- Do you want to hear about my criminal record?
- I hate Sarah McLachlan, don't you?
- Would you mind if I slept with your sister/mother/brother/father/best friend/grand mother?
Now hopefully that will get you through your first date. Unfortunately I'm out of room so I'm ending here. Depending on reader response I may continue with this dating guide. But since so far I have not received any word (good or bad) on my last article I may just give up on this and go onto something new.
Jeff Simpson is a Disco King in his native land of Gouzenko. He had been blamed for everything from the Salem Witch Trials to the success of the Spice Girls. If you like the Soapbox drop off a letter to the Phoenix to tell them that Jeff isn't the only one who finds it funny. Or e-mail your support for Jeff to Jeff_Phoenix@hotmail.com.