* Written for my first issue of the Phoenix, the student paper of Okanagan University College, this issue kicked off what became the only successful subject of the very originally named column (the Soapbox), that of my sad sad love life. It seemed to touch a nerve deep within the human soul, the nerve that needed to laugh at some dope. This is part one of a three part series originally written in 1998 (I think).
This article is not on cats. If you are looking for an informative article on cats and only for an informative article on cats do not read this. Stop here this is not about cats. It is not as though I have anything against cats. I just really have no wish to write an article about cats at all. In fact my entire interest in the field of cats is limited to the fact that a girl I had a crush on in high school would every so often offer everyone she knew a free kitten since hers were apparently having a lot of sex. At times I had the bizarre notion that maybe if I took one of the free kittens she would go out with me.
Which brings me to this article and in fact a series of articles on the same subject. I hear you out there asking, "Jeff I need help getting a girlfriend." Some of you are asking me, "Jeff I need help getting a boyfriend." I hear your cries and I will help.
For men, wear something tight. If that fails cook. If that fails skip dressing and cook.
Women are much far trickier than men are. So that is why I must help you along. Now I suppose before we get into the actual instructions I should preface this by indicating to you, the reading audience, that I have not been Mr. Successful With Woman myself. In fact I was once turned down when I asked a girl, with no prior date, to our high school graduation dinner dance after taking her to see the English Patient. I mean I took her to the English Patient and I was shot down. I took this girl to Pride and Prejudice and the English Patient and when I asked her she laughed at me.
But that is not really the point. The point was I did everything right, so she is obviously a lesbian. Okay I doubt she actually is a lesbian but it is nice to think that anyway. The fact is I am unattractive to women. However you dear reader are not, I assume.
We begin the series with lesson one: Getting the First Date
Now it is my experience that what a girl wants and what a girl says are two different things. So I telephoned up the girl who shot me down after the English Patient and asked her what it was that girls really respond well to when a guy is asking them out on a date. (For her own privacy she will be referred to as Murdoch).
Jeff: "Hello. How are you?"
Murdoch: "Not bad summer went by pretty quick hey?"
Jeff: "Mic... errr Murdoch what is it that girls look for in a guy when he asks them out on a first date?"
Jeff: "I'm you know just wondering."
Murdoch: "You're not going to ask me out on a date again? Are you?"
Jeff: (Laughing) "Ho ho. No I got the hint after the first time, and then after the third time and again after the fourth time I asked you out. No I promise I won't ask you out. I'm just you know curious."
Murdoch: "Okay well I suppose the guy has to be well dressed and he has to seem sincere and interested. He has to be a nice guy and at first anyway looks do play a small role."
Jeff: "Just a small role?"
Murdoch: "Just a small one yes. Any thing else?"
Jeff: "Yes would you go out with me?"
So there we have it. Girls want a well-dressed polite, nice, sincere guy who is truly interested in them and their feelings. Yeah right. What girls really want is a guy who you can see their muscles through their shirt. Plus he has to have cash and lastly he has to care not one ion whether or not he is actually dating the girl. Seriously, indifference is the biggest turn on.
So how do you, who doesn't have muscles showing through his shirt, get the girl to agree to a first date? Well here is three simple effective techniques and also the girl's way of combating them which you should prepare for.
1) The Surprise:
If the girl does not know you like her your proposal for a date will come as a shock to her and in fact nine times out of ten she will say yes. (I even got a first date with this one). The problem being if you wait too long to actually go out on the date the girl has time to regroup and find a reason to cancel (for me it was snowing too hard).
2) The Obligation:
Do something for the girl so amazing that she can't say no. "But Murdoch I gave my left lung to help your baby brother, can't you see fit to going out on one date with me?" The problem with this is it turns the date into a chore for the girl (since you really are almost black mailing them) and triples your work to get a second date. But then again one is better than none.
3) The Schedule:
Girls always have a lame excuse ready to avoid a date with a guy. "Sorry I have to wax my goldfish." to a girl is a perfectly reasonable excuse to avoid a date. So what you do is trick the girl into revealing her schedule then pen yourself in to an open space. The key is to be flexible. "Murdoch since you aren't doing anything Tuesday after school I could skip having my tumour removed and we could catch a movie." But like number one the girl can always schedule something in time for the date. "Sorry Jeff my goldfish is looking really dull. I think he needs some waxing. We'll have to make it another time."
So now you have the first date. What do you do on it? I suppose this would be a cliffhanger.
Jeffery Simpson is an OUC student who writes boring articles for this paper. The above interview with Mi... er Murdoch did not actually take place since Jeffery assumes (correctly) that she would not even bother talking to him for he is such a loser. If you like Jeffery's column, for some odd reason, I would suggest you write a letter to that effect to the OUC Phoenix so they know that Jeff amuses people other than just Jeff. Or you can e-mail Jeff at Jazzlawyer@hotmail.com.